trust

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We have less than four months here at The House on Grant.

Wow.

I thought I would blog more than I have.
I basically haven’t blogged at all.

It has been quite an emotional three years … good yet hard.

Sometimes I want to share, sometimes I don’t.
Most times I don’t.

Sometimes I feel like I can’t blog … I don’t have a home business … I don’t homeschool fully anymore … I’m not adopting … and I’m not in my early thirties with littles at my feet anymore.  My IG feed is filled with amazing young Mamas with great hair and great style, who are traveling together, running together … and while I know they have their moments, they are basically “getting it right,” and getting it right together.

I can’t compete with that.  I am a loner of sorts … maybe it’s because of my girls and being married for so long to a soldier who wasn’t around … or maybe it’s part me.  You know the line in the Alanis Morrisette song that goes, “I’m hard but I’m friendly … ” yeah, that’s me.  I’m not sure if that was me before 9/11 or if it is just me now, but it is me.

I feel like I’m about to have a nervous break down half the time and the other half of the time I feel like I’ve completely failed at everything.  So basically I am struggling constantly.

But, I have this urge to write.  Maybe it’s to push me to not just acknowledge the real, but to really see the good and document the direction God is taking me now, which I know in my heart is going to be just awesome.

So, read if you like.

I can’t promise I’ll keep writing, but I hope I do.

It’s hard to put it out there and leave it.  But I think that is what I need now.
These years in Leavenworth have been so stressful!  Yet as my oldest has mentioned, it has seemed more like home here than anywhere.  This has been the first post since she was 4, from which Dad did not deploy.

She will be 17 next month.

We have had to learn how to truly be a family here … a family together.  And all the while we’ve transitioned from being all together all of the time with homeschooling, to three in school, one in part day school, and one home fully … to nights where we still eat at the table, but because of competitive sports, babysitting jobs and Youth Group (and just basically a house with big kids and young adults), it’s never the same group of people at the table.

So we are finally all together, but never really in the sane spot.

We’ve also had to learn how to regroup after the loss of the girl’s Gran and the loss of memories and traditions that went with her.  And I’ve had to learn how to handle the permanence of her gone and the hope that still remains.

I’ll admit, sometimes I have been so angry … just angry at everything.

Truth, y’all.  Truth.  

But I’m here and I want to use these last few months to work through my thoughts and rework them to thoughts that praise God and thank Him.  Yes, I want to thank Him for not only being my Lord, but my Father.  I want to thank Him for my life and for my girls and my soldier and my circumstances.

I want to trust Him.

And maybe there is someone else out there who can be encouraged by my words and by this leg of my journey.  Maybe there is someone else who’s life isn’t IG glamorous either, but who is still right where God wants them to be.  Maybe there is someone besides me who needs to trust that God has a perfect plan … even for them. Maybe. But if not, that’s ok.

My life is not over, although for some crazy reason I feel as if it is … I need to learn to breathe again and to live again.  Maybe admitting that is a where I need to start.

Enough

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To my soldier …
thank you for making coffee for me every single morning
thank you for braving the cold to drive to get more coffee early in the morning when I’ve forgotten to pick it up the day before

thank you for walking a dog for a daughter … every night and every morning … a dog that you never wanted and for a daughter who rarely tells you thank you

thank you for asking me to look at the stars with you

thank you for letting me take a shower first every night

thank you for turning the van on for me, so it’ll be warm when I take the girls in … and thank you for also turning on my seat warmer

thank you for texting me, “Jesus loves you”

thank you for watching tv shows with me that you wouldn’t watch without me
and thank you for never complaining and even having the show set on dvd without my asking

thank you for telling me I’m smart

thank you for telling me I’m pretty

thank you for always opening the door of the van for me … and thank you for waiting patiently that Sunday it snowed, as I felt the need to snap a picture of your handsomeness waiting for me … and btw, thank you for never complaining that I am always the last one to be ready for church … thank you for just simply waiting and opening the door when I get there.

On this Valentine’s day I do want to say thank you for the dinner and trip to the art museum you planned last night … I don’t think you’ll ever know how much I really did treasure that … that even though you might think things have to be perfect for me, and while I know I can seem hard to please sometimes … ok, maybe all of the time … you totally have my heart.

I love you so much and have since I was 19.
You love me daily and I notice.  I forget sometimes at the moment to recognize, but I do notice and I always treasure the little constants up in my heart.

I know you wish you could give me more, but you have already given me enough, and you, YOU are truly more than enough.

So, thank you for loving someone as difficult as me.

Thank you for being my Valentine every day.